Do you like bubbles?
Well how do you like them bubbles?
Do you like bubbles?
Well how do you like them bubbles?
Last weekend, a bunch of friends came over to watch Hard Candy. If you’ve ever seen Hard Candy, then you’ll know that a very memorable scene involves the part where Patrick Wilson gets strapped to a table while Ellen Page proceeds to take a scalpel to his balls. There were four guys and two girls in our group, and all four guys were subconsciously holding cushions or any kind of protection over their crotches. It made a huge impact on all the guys there, we definitely felt very VERY uncomfortable.
So I figure if that scene is going to make my friends cringe and cross their legs awkwardly, why not put together a Top 5 list that will really freak them out? So here we go!
#5 – Robocop
Now this one really affected me as a kid. I mean, I didn’t know anything about rape as a kid, so the emotional element of this scene was really lost of me, but I did know that I want to keep my dick and balls. Forever. Like, I didn’t ever want those taken away from me, ever! Especially after hearing that guy scream and clutch at his wound.
#4 – Pulp Fiction
Fast-forward to 7:10 for the money shot.
Now this scene has two big male fears in it – being anally raped by a redneck, and then getting your crotch blasted away by a shotgun blast. But of course, most people remember this scene not for the painful butt-fucking and 12-gauge castration, but because of the classic “I’ma get medieval on your ass!” line.
#3 – Sin City
Now it’s one thing to have your balls blown off by a gunshot (we’ve seen two already), but it’s another thing to have it completely ripped out by brute strength. Here we’ve got Bruce Willis (hey, it’s him again!) getting really really pissed off and then using his bare fist to rip That Yellow Bastard’s package off. In this graphic shot, you can clearly see bits of his penis clinging onto his crotch for dear life – you can imagine the base flesh of his crotch yelling “don’t let go!” – before giving up and being plucked off. PAIN.
#2 – Hostel 2
Okay this scene was so wrong for so many reasons. Firstly, she takes her time to snip it off with gardening shears. Secondly, you can clearly see that guy’s dick being cut off. Sometimes, subtle hinting is more powerful, but you can’t deny the power of some really graphic frontal castration. And as if that wasn’t enough, she then goes ahead and feeds his dick to the dogs.
Moral of the story: NEVER call a girl a “cunt”.
#1 – Last House on the Left (1972)
I haven’t actually seen this film before, but I keep hearing about a specific scene in it which freaks me out. As an act of vengeance for the murder and rape of her daughter, a mother seduces the bad guy and proceeds to give him head before chomping down hard and biting his dick off. She spits it out, and he understandably bleeds to death. Luckily for you, I can’t find any video or screenshots of this scene.
Honestly, I really wouldn’t have wanted to live after that anyway. Even if doctors miraculously sewed it back on and the nerves worked, I don’t think I’d be able to allow a woman to go near my penis again. With that in mind, I’d really rather just let go and die.
I think I mentioned it already, and if I didn’t, it’s probably kinda obvious from my recent posts, but I’ve been on a 90′s rock nostalgia trip lately. Lots of Liz Phair, lots of L7, and now Veruca Salt. I think I first brought up Veruca Salt in a post about Nina Gordon a while back, but anyway she really rocked out hard when she was jamming with Louise Post. They had a few hit singles like Volcano Girls and Seether (a song which was stuck in my head when flying against the final boss in Wing Commander IV), but the video that I thought was really awesome was Volcano Girls.
Why? It opened with a wet dream sequence of Nina Gordon crawling around under the covers. Then it had the band rocking out on bungee cords. And the guitar solo was an extended crotch shot. All necessary elements for a rocking 90′s video.
Anyway, check it out. Now if that guitarist chick from Michael Jackson’s comeback tour really wants her career to take off, she should take note of this and start playing guitar solos with her crotch jammed towards a low angle camera.
Christina Aguilera is hot. I mean, during the Britney and Christina wars back in the early 2000s, I totally sided with Christina, especially during the Stripped album days. I thought she was better looking, sounded better, and basically less likely to have a meltdown. And guess what? I was right!
Anyway, she had some new album out recently, but honestly I haven’t heard anything from it because I’ve been on a real 90′s rock nostalgia trip. I did stumble across these stills of her new movie though. It’s called Burlesque, and it more or less looks like one of her music videos, except longer, and with Cher and Stanley Tucci stuck into it. But I’m not complaining, because it’s still Christina throwing her voice and her cleavage out to blow everyone away.
Check out the trailer and four hawt pictures.
As you might’ve noticed, the updates have been a bit sketchy lately, as I’ve been caught up in the whole Halo: Reach craze and trying to complete the campaign without either losing my job or my wife.
Anyway, you might know that Halo: Reach is the final game that creators Bungie will work on, and now the franchise is going to be passed on while they work on something entirely new.
So what should Microsoft now do with the franchise? Make yet another FPS? Don’t get me wrong – Halo: Reach is a pretty awesome game, but it really is still the same game (but better) that came out on the original Xbox nine years ago. They took a bit of a sidestep before with the release of Halo Wars, a console-based RTS set in the same universe, which was a moderate success.
Now they can do something else different with the franchise, and toss it to a Japanese studio to create a casual puzzle game to really “reach” out to the masses!
Halo Halo Pop would be an awesome Match-3 puzzle game, with the UNSC and Convenant engaged in combat by matching jelly globs of the same color. How’s that for Combat Evolved? Creating combos will call in Pelican/Wraith strikes, depending on which side you’re on. If you manage to create a massive combo, it will trigger the Halo superweapon and nuke your opponent!
I think it’ll be a good way to attract new fans to the Halo franchise… especially those iPhone users. If you like this idea, email Microsoft and let them know that you want Halo Halo Pop as a Live Arcade title for the next Summer of Arcade!