My wife denies this, but I’m pretty sure that Jo was a “Queen Bee” back in school because I’ve heard stories of how she used to sit at the top of some stairs, and other kids will have to pay a tithe in candy in order to sit there with her and her friends. Some kid named Sarah was also made to go and try to catch a butterfly with a plastic bag, in order to bring “the fairy that rides on the back of a butterfly” back to earn her place at the stairs. That’s like King Arthur asking Galahad to fetch the Holy Grail!
So when Bully came out on the Xbox, I really wanted to put her at the controls and see what a former Queen Bee would do when she revisits school life. After a full night of Bully, here are my observations from watching Jo control Jimmy Hopkins in Bully.
#1 – Girls are aggressive
Jo‘s a pretty petite girl and not exactly built for brawling, but the moment you put her into a thuggish boy’s body like Jimmy’s, she goes absolutely ape-shit. Upon entering the game, she figured out the punch button, and immediately went out and beat the crap out of two random boys. No provocation whatsoever; she just went up to the nearest two guys and whacked them.
There was an early cutscene where you talk to the principal and he asks you to stay out of trouble, and when she was done with the cutscene she went out and fought with another boy immediately. This time, she learned how to humiliate someone and then went on to wedgie, wet-willy and do all kinds of crazy shit to the poor kid. And the scary part was Jo‘s reaction to all this: she’s laughing all innocently, as if she’s watching a Carebears cartoon or something.
Like I said, Jo doesn’t get into fist fights much in real life, but when we fight and stuff, I can already see that scary intensity in her eyes. If she ever got buffed up, I think she’d totally flip out like Michelle Rodriguez and kick my teeth into the curb.
Read on for more observations.
#2 – Girls don’t like nerds
The plot of the game develops in a way that in the early stages of the game, you have to protect the nerds of the school from the jocks and other bullies. This totally rubbed Jo the wrong way, because she wanted to beat the crap out of the nerds instead! It’s not exactly a huge secret that most girls don’t like nerds, but she was really iffy about socializing with the nerds in the game, because well… they’re nerds. All the Dungeons and Dragons references and stuff really put her off, and she wanted to run missions against them instead of for them.
That said, she did marry me, and I’m pretty damned geeky… but that’s probably the exception to the rule. Or a momentary lapse in judgment that she’s been regretting ever since. Either way, I would still try to prevent her from hanging out with singing jocks with mohawks, yoga instructors, and postmen.
#3 – Girls are promiscuous, and care about height differences
Jo seemed to really like the part of the game that involves getting girls to kiss Jimmy. The moment the game showed you how, she started going around chatting up random girls and smooching them. I don’t know if there’s an Xbox achievement for kissing every single girl or something, but that’s pretty much what she was gunning for.
She also didn’t handle rejection well, because when a girl would turn Jimmy down, Jo would get pissed off and want to beat the crap out of her.
While this might seem like a good sign for single guys, I also noticed that Jo would giggle and point out the height difference when Jimmy kisses a girl taller than him. So yeah, I guess not only do girls dislike nerds, but they don’t particular like short guys either. So if you’re a short little nerd, you’re pretty much shit outta luck. I guess it’s pretty lucky for Stiffy that he’s in that cosplay community, so he can still hang out with girls (even if they’re really just guys dressed up as Rei Ayanami and Cortana – but hey, ignorance is bliss).
#4 – Girls live in denial
After displaying all that aggressive behavior and cruelty, Jo would still be genuinely puzzled when random jocks and school kids go up to her and bullied her. She was all like “Hey, they came and kicked me for no reason! What’s with that?”
Anyway, I’m going to stop writing this now. She’s glaring at me, and I don’t think she likes what I’m writing.