Last week, I posted something up about psycho Xbox-killing chicks. Then recently, DX posts something about videogame girlfriends. It got me thinking that maybe these posts are connected and maybe they’re part of something bigger… a grand and evil scheme to keep geeks in fear of real females. Geeky guys are by nature shy and reserved, and a little bit socially awkward. So during weeknights and weekends, they don’t go out and party with girls; they stay at home, play videogames and watch anime instead. Geeky anti-social behavior results in billions of dollars for the gaming and anime companies, so why the hell would these companies NOT want to keep the geeks at home?
With that in mind, let’s look at some evidence to see if gaming and anime companies are really brainwashing geeks.
Exhibit A – Dante’s Inferno
EA’s recent action game about a guy who goes to hell to bring his wife back out is pretty much rife with high resolution tits and nude imagery. But it’s not the sexy kind; it’s the kind that’s gonna scare the shit out of geeks. There’s a whole level with naked psychotic prostitutes that slash at you with razor claws, there’s chicks with massive clawed tentacles coming out of their vaginas (a concept that will totally dumbfound hentai fans), huge things with saggy boobs that puke and shit on you (now all you need is a cup), and more.
Are games like Dante’s Inferno designed to make geeks fear women?
How are these creatures anything but an attempt to brainwash geeks into fearing naked women? The moment you get a girl undressed and she goes spread eagle for you, a clawed tentacle is going to shoot out from between her legs and impale you… in the face! After that she turns around and shits bloody shit on you. How can a geek even get an erection anymore when he sees a naked chick?
That’s not even including the boss character Cleopatra. After spending an entire sequence in an elevator with her huge and bouncy tits in the background, her nipples suddenly open up and spit out blood-thirsty Baraka babies. So THAT’S where babies really come from, huh?
When it comes to inspiring fear of the female body, Dante’s Inferno covers all the bases. It demonizes tits, ass, and vaginas!
Cleopatra’s baby-spewing nipples
Exhibit B – Left 4 Dead’s witch
There are quite a few zombies in Left 4 Dead. You’ve got the Hunter, the Smoker, the Tank, the Boomer… but the one everyone remembers is the Witch.
And why not? She’s definitely the scariest one in the game. You spend half the level hearing those creepy moans and sobs, then when you see her, it’s a single shriek and then BAM you’re dead on the floor.
According to L4D, girls are all emotional weepy bitches
What does this imply to geeks? It implies that all girls are emotional weepy bitches witches who cry and moan all the time, and when you piss them off they suddenly become all violent and slash the shit out of you in a PMS-fueled rage!
So yeah, the next time a geek sees a girl cry, instead of acting like a gentleman and asking her what’s wrong, he’s gonna instinctively switch off his torchlight and fling a molotov cocktail at her.
Exhibit C – Wicked City
There’s an old anime movie that I watched as a kid, with a scene that really burns itself into your memory. In this scene some dude gets it on with some prostitute. Halfway through sex, her arms and legs suddenly become spider legs, and she scratches the shit out of the guy. You’re probably thinking that’s not so bad… but then her vagina starts sprouting razor sharp teeth, complete with chomping action. Once again, using female genitalia to scare the shit out of geeks.
The Spider-demon from Wicked City with teeth where there shouldn’t be teeth
Exhibit D – Love Plus
But there is hope for geeks! Gaming companies would lead you to believe that you can find true love in a videogame! I mean, check out this video of a guy who actually got married to a virtual girlfriend in a Nintendo DS game.
Do the math, and there’s no denying that there’s definitely a conspiracy out there to brainwash geeks into fearing women. And it’s working too, because the videogame market is getting bigger and bigger… all because geeks now live in fear of girls and their mood swings and dick-chomping nudie bits. Well played, videogame companies!