Monthly Archives: March 2010

DoTA better than sex?

I know, I know. All of you girls out there keep looking at the profiles pictures of our two studs DX and Alden, and you’re all like “ooooh those guys look hawt. I wonder what it’s like to get nasty with them?” Well, do remember that these two guys are major gamers, so things in the sack might not turn out the way it does in your fantasies.

Actually, Brad Farless recently Tweeted a picture that pretty much hints at what a night of passion with DX and Alden might resemble.

Am I a geek if my first thought was: "RTS without a mouse?"

In their defense, neither of them actually play DoTA, but it does give me a chance to put up this hilarious video of some Asian dude reviewing DoTA… or as his says it: “Defenz o de Asian”. Oh it’s hilarious!

I can imagine this guy whipping out his laptop during sex with his Taiwanese import wife, and when she’s all like: “Baby, what are you doing?” and he’ll be like: “Holy smock, bitch! I can be sexing you or I can play de DoTA… It don madda!”

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5 Scariest Sex Scenarios

Geeks normally have sexual fantasies about comic book superheroes and movie characters, and mostly those fantasies sound pretty awesome. But the reality of sex with comic book superheroes and movie characters will probably be just like sex with regular people: you’re going to be disappointed, and in some extreme ways, pretty grossed out too. The shy librarian who suddenly whips out the strap-ons and chains is one thing, but these five scenarios are even scarier.

#5 – Any sex with Sandman

Having sex on the beach has always had a romantic vibe due to the ambiance and all, but really it’s going to be incredibly uncomfortable due to all the sand that gets everywhere. Not only is it uncomfortable, but it’ll lead to some painful chafing. When it comes to sex with the Sandman, it’ll be like that every single time. It doesn’t matter if he penetrates you, or if you penetrate him, be prepared for some sandpaper chafing.

Two words: Sand burn

#4 -Getting a blowjob from Jaws

Now I’ve never been with a girl with braces before, but I can somewhat imagine that it could be pretty scary during intimate encounters. Now if you ramp that up with the iconic henchman from the James Bond movies, then it’s going to be beyond scary. This guy’s trademark teeth can bite through steel, and he often kills his victims by ripping a chunk out of their neck. Do you really want those teeth near your sensitive parts?

Brace yourself

#3 – Double penetrated by the Gravemind

In the Halo games, the Gravemind is the super huge alien intelligence seemingly made up of rotting corpses with a huge mouth like that Venus Flytrap from Little Shop of Horrors. On top of that, it’s also got a whole bunch of naughty tentacles, no doubt inspired by Japanese pop culture. And you know what naughty tentacles do in Japanese pop culture… It’s not very pretty at all.

Master Chief and the Arbiter must be so glad they're not in a Japanese videogame

#2 – Ass-to-mouth with the alien

There’s a whole lot of wrongness with the alien as it is: the acid for blood, the constant secretion of sticky crap, and the way it tends to kill everything on sight. But then you add that little mouth in a mouth thing, and it goes into a whole new level of wrongness. Nuzzle that mouth against your ass, and your poopy hole is going to cringe so much you’ll rip yourself a new asshole. That is… unless the alien does it first.

A whole new meaning to the phrase "rip you a new asshole"

#1 – Getting fisted by Wolverine

After the first X-Men movie came out, women everywhere collectively gushed and fawned over Hugh Jackman’s portrayal of Wolverine. My wife Jo wouldn’t stop talking about how much of a stud he was, and how he’s like the hunk of all time. So it wouldn’t be too surprising that pretty much every woman who has seen that movie, or even just glanced at the poster, would have harbored quite a few fantasies involving Wolverine. Well here’s something that’s going to burst your bubble: what if he suddenly displayed a kinky side, and wanted to fist you? Fisting itself sounds scary enough as it is, but don’t forget it’s Wolverine we’re talking about. Adamantium claws!!! The acidic taste of metal and that SNIKT! sound will be the last thing you’ll ever experience.

You really want to stick those where the sun doesn't shine?

What about you guys? Can you think of some scary sex scenarios involving pop culture characters?


Plants vs Zombies Music video

A couple of weeks ago, I put up a list of the top 5 ending songs in videogames.Well, that list is now inaccurate. I just finished the phenomenally awesome Plants vs Zombies on my iPhone, and I totally wasn’t expecting anything from a casual game… but lo and behold, there was an ending song! Not just any ending song, but a totally awesome one with a hella funny music video to go with.

This is just so cool on so many different levels. It’s cute, it’s funny, and damnit it’s got zombies in it. The game itself is amazingly addictive and fun, and this song just cements Plants vs Zombies as one of the best casual games of all time. If you haven’t already played it, then what are you waiting for? Click here, or go look for it in the Apps store!

"There's a zombie on your lawn!"

If you find the song sickeningly infectious and can’t get enough of it, then head over to composer/performer Laura Shigihara’s website at www.mybluedream.com for more her music.


Sexy horror profile pics

I was just at Dailyshite.com and saw this awesome ad from Samsung, with a few classic horror monsters taking profile photos of themselves. By using a few tips like flashing some cleavage and using low angles, they managed to make themselves look pretty cool. If Medusa and the evil hag can look pretty hot, then I think there might be hope for tech journalists. Then again, maybe not.

Also note that they never had to resort to silly Asian “teardrop” poses either.


Games want geeks to fear girls (NSFW)

Last week, I posted something up about psycho Xbox-killing chicks. Then recently, DX posts something about videogame girlfriends. It got me thinking that maybe these posts are connected and maybe they’re part of something bigger… a grand and evil scheme to keep geeks in fear of real females. Geeky guys are by nature shy and reserved, and a little bit socially awkward. So during weeknights and weekends, they don’t go out and party with girls; they stay at home, play videogames and watch anime instead. Geeky anti-social behavior results in billions of dollars for the gaming and anime companies, so why the hell would these companies NOT want to keep the geeks at home?

With that in mind, let’s look at some evidence to see if gaming and anime companies are really brainwashing geeks.

Exhibit A – Dante’s Inferno

EA’s recent action game about a guy who goes to hell to bring his wife back out is pretty much rife with high resolution tits and nude imagery. But it’s not the sexy kind; it’s the kind that’s gonna scare the shit out of geeks. There’s a whole level with naked psychotic prostitutes that slash at you with razor claws, there’s chicks with massive clawed tentacles coming out of their vaginas (a concept that will totally dumbfound hentai fans), huge things with saggy boobs that puke and shit on you (now all you need is a cup), and more.

Dante's Inferno

Are games like Dante’s Inferno designed to make geeks fear women?

How are these creatures anything but an attempt to brainwash geeks into fearing naked women? The moment you get a girl undressed and she goes spread eagle for you, a clawed tentacle is going to shoot out from between her legs and impale you… in the face! After that she turns around and shits bloody shit on you. How can a geek even get an erection anymore when he sees a naked chick?

That’s not even including the boss character Cleopatra. After spending an entire sequence in an elevator with her huge and bouncy tits in the background, her nipples suddenly open up and spit out blood-thirsty Baraka babies. So THAT’S where babies really come from, huh?

When it comes to inspiring fear of the female body, Dante’s Inferno covers all the bases. It demonizes tits, ass, and vaginas!

Cleopatra from Dante's Inferno

Cleopatra’s baby-spewing nipples

Exhibit B – Left 4 Dead’s witch

There are quite a few zombies in Left 4 Dead. You’ve got the Hunter, the Smoker, the Tank, the Boomer… but the one everyone remembers is the Witch.

And why not? She’s definitely the scariest one in the game. You spend half the level hearing those creepy moans and sobs, then when you see her, it’s a single shriek and then BAM you’re dead on the floor.

According to L4D, girls are all emotional weepy bitches

What does this imply to geeks? It implies that all girls are emotional weepy bitches witches who cry and moan all the time, and when you piss them off they suddenly become all violent and slash the shit out of you in a PMS-fueled rage!

So yeah, the next time a geek sees a girl cry, instead of acting like a gentleman and asking her what’s wrong, he’s gonna instinctively switch off his torchlight and fling a molotov cocktail at her.

Exhibit C – Wicked City

There’s an old anime movie that I watched as a kid, with a scene that really burns itself into your memory. In this scene some dude gets it on with some prostitute. Halfway through sex, her arms and legs suddenly become spider legs, and she scratches the shit out of the guy. You’re probably thinking that’s not so bad… but then her vagina starts sprouting razor sharp teeth, complete with chomping action. Once again, using female genitalia to scare the shit out of geeks.

The Spider-demon from Wicked City with teeth where there shouldn’t be teeth

Exhibit D – Love Plus

But there is hope for geeks! Gaming companies would lead you to believe that you can find true love in a videogame! I mean, check out this video of a guy who actually got married to a virtual girlfriend in a Nintendo DS game.

Do the math, and there’s no denying that there’s definitely a conspiracy out there to brainwash geeks into fearing women. And it’s working too, because the videogame market is getting bigger and bigger… all because geeks now live in fear of girls and their mood swings and dick-chomping nudie bits. Well played, videogame companies!


The Perfect Videogame Girlfriend

My recent struggles with finding a sane female companion has been well-documented and quite a bit of a let-down. Frankly, I thought I might as well just date something virtual because reality is a big ol’ pain in the ass. And humankind can only do better with past experiences and cutting edge design right? Fuck no. Upon further inspection, it couldn’t be any further from the truth.

So let’s examine the specimens, starting in chronological order…

#1 – Princess Peach (Super Mario Brothers)

Ah, Princess Peach. The most annoying bitch, with an almost certain tendency of getting captured by Bowser for a certain reason. She’s always wearing her tiara around, making everyone around her feel lowly and shit and she doesn’t ever take off her tiara. Yes, even when playing soccer. She also doesn’t show enough skin, and this is probably the only pic of her where she’s not in that disgustingly pink long dress and damn that’s not a good thing. Mario can continue to save her ass; I’m checking outta here.

#2 – Samus Aran (Metroid)

Samus Aran, drop dead gorgeous, but c’mon. Can you really sleep at night knowing you girlfriend has a suit of armour ready to shoot your balls off? Now, I don’t know Samus’ personality per se, but I’m not taking any chances. She also doesn’t speak much, which can be a good or bad thing depending on your preferences…. personally, whether she’s chatty or quiet kinda does not matter. Because when you’re asleep and you wake up with an arm cannon in your face… it really shouldn’t matter.

#3 – Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)

Badass. Check.
Good looks. Check.
Skin? Check.

But the question here is… could I possibly hang with Lara Croft? Do I really want to look forward to a life of multiple field camp like situations? When she sincerely asks: “Honey, wanna join me on a trip to Greece to retrieve this seemingly random artifact?” do I really want to tell her: “No… there’s no air conditioning there, baby.”

No. Probably not. Not when she has a gun just there on her thigh. Even if you were outdoorsy, she’ll probably kick your ass at being outdoorsy, so suck it up and swallow the ego, broseph.

#4 – Miranda Lawson (Mass Effect 2)

I so happen to like soft Aussie accents and damn, she’s hot IRL too. She’s cold as hell, but totally vulnerable too. The complete opposite of Princess Peach, kinda independent but not too independent to render your own self-worth useless. The wink she throws you right you get into some engine room action in the game? Sexay, cute, cheeky and adorable all at the same time. She walks around in a latex/leather suit too, so you probably will be getting too much action for your sake.

She does seem like the type to execute her cheating boyfriend with biotics/guns though, so please, no Tiger Woods-like theatrics with her.

Really real women of Earth, I have lost faith in you girls.


Internet Haters and Na’vi boobs

Neytiri the nav'iThose who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach, well, they hide behind an Internet moniker like Arcturuz and shit on everyone and everything on Internet forums. One of the things that Internet Warriors like Arcturuz like to shit on are movies. They’ll claim to be movie fans, and yet they never seem to actually like any movie, choosing instead to gripe about them and nitpick at every little detail. It’s as if their dicks grow an inch every time they spot some minor error in a movie.

If that really is the case, then after a 3 page flame on why Avatar is horrendous, you might just be able to see Arcturuz’ dick. Though that also leads to another quandary: if nobody ever sees Arcturuz’ dick, is it really visible?

Anyway, how do people deal with these Internet Warriors? You can ignore them, bitch back at them, or you can do what James Cameron recently did and just make a clever and snarky remark at them.

I read on Lightlybuzzed.com that in a recent Interview, someone asked Cameron why the Na’vi in Avatar have boobs. After all, they’re not mammals or anything, so technically they don’t need boobs because they don’t breastfeed. Cameron just replies: “Because of the midichlorians.” Just kidding! This is his real reply:

Because this is a movie for human people.

Suck on that, haters. The King of the World makes movies for human beings, not for the basement-dwelling scum of the Earth. Now I’m not saying that Avatar is the greatest film ever or anything (in fact I was a bit disappointed by it, and kinda glad it didn’t win the Oscar for Best Picture) but it is still waaay better than anything some douche on the Internet can concoct. So lay off, haters!

Actually, Cameron now has pretty much billions and billions of dollars at his command, so he should just do what Jay and Silent Bob did to silence their haters – that is, flying out to every single one of them and kicking their asses!


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