The Perfect Videogame Girlfriend

My recent struggles with finding a sane female companion has been well-documented and quite a bit of a let-down. Frankly, I thought I might as well just date something virtual because reality is a big ol’ pain in the ass. And humankind can only do better with past experiences and cutting edge design right? Fuck no. Upon further inspection, it couldn’t be any further from the truth.

So let’s examine the specimens, starting in chronological order…

#1 – Princess Peach (Super Mario Brothers)

Ah, Princess Peach. The most annoying bitch, with an almost certain tendency of getting captured by Bowser for a certain reason. She’s always wearing her tiara around, making everyone around her feel lowly and shit and she doesn’t ever take off her tiara. Yes, even when playing soccer. She also doesn’t show enough skin, and this is probably the only pic of her where she’s not in that disgustingly pink long dress and damn that’s not a good thing. Mario can continue to save her ass; I’m checking outta here.

#2 – Samus Aran (Metroid)

Samus Aran, drop dead gorgeous, but c’mon. Can you really sleep at night knowing you girlfriend has a suit of armour ready to shoot your balls off? Now, I don’t know Samus’ personality per se, but I’m not taking any chances. She also doesn’t speak much, which can be a good or bad thing depending on your preferences…. personally, whether she’s chatty or quiet kinda does not matter. Because when you’re asleep and you wake up with an arm cannon in your face… it really shouldn’t matter.

#3 – Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)

Badass. Check.
Good looks. Check.
Skin? Check.

But the question here is… could I possibly hang with Lara Croft? Do I really want to look forward to a life of multiple field camp like situations? When she sincerely asks: “Honey, wanna join me on a trip to Greece to retrieve this seemingly random artifact?” do I really want to tell her: “No… there’s no air conditioning there, baby.”

No. Probably not. Not when she has a gun just there on her thigh. Even if you were outdoorsy, she’ll probably kick your ass at being outdoorsy, so suck it up and swallow the ego, broseph.

#4 – Miranda Lawson (Mass Effect 2)

I so happen to like soft Aussie accents and damn, she’s hot IRL too. She’s cold as hell, but totally vulnerable too. The complete opposite of Princess Peach, kinda independent but not too independent to render your own self-worth useless. The wink she throws you right you get into some engine room action in the game? Sexay, cute, cheeky and adorable all at the same time. She walks around in a latex/leather suit too, so you probably will be getting too much action for your sake.

She does seem like the type to execute her cheating boyfriend with biotics/guns though, so please, no Tiger Woods-like theatrics with her.

Really real women of Earth, I have lost faith in you girls.


About Drew

I love videogames, movies, my wife and my dog (in no particular order). View all posts by Drew

4 responses to “The Perfect Videogame Girlfriend

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