Geeks normally have sexual fantasies about comic book superheroes and movie characters, and mostly those fantasies sound pretty awesome. But the reality of sex with comic book superheroes and movie characters will probably be just like sex with regular people: you’re going to be disappointed, and in some extreme ways, pretty grossed out too. The shy librarian who suddenly whips out the strap-ons and chains is one thing, but these five scenarios are even scarier.
#5 – Any sex with Sandman
Having sex on the beach has always had a romantic vibe due to the ambiance and all, but really it’s going to be incredibly uncomfortable due to all the sand that gets everywhere. Not only is it uncomfortable, but it’ll lead to some painful chafing. When it comes to sex with the Sandman, it’ll be like that every single time. It doesn’t matter if he penetrates you, or if you penetrate him, be prepared for some sandpaper chafing.
#4 -Getting a blowjob from Jaws
Now I’ve never been with a girl with braces before, but I can somewhat imagine that it could be pretty scary during intimate encounters. Now if you ramp that up with the iconic henchman from the James Bond movies, then it’s going to be beyond scary. This guy’s trademark teeth can bite through steel, and he often kills his victims by ripping a chunk out of their neck. Do you really want those teeth near your sensitive parts?
#3 – Double penetrated by the Gravemind
In the Halo games, the Gravemind is the super huge alien intelligence seemingly made up of rotting corpses with a huge mouth like that Venus Flytrap from Little Shop of Horrors. On top of that, it’s also got a whole bunch of naughty tentacles, no doubt inspired by Japanese pop culture. And you know what naughty tentacles do in Japanese pop culture… It’s not very pretty at all.
#2 – Ass-to-mouth with the alien
There’s a whole lot of wrongness with the alien as it is: the acid for blood, the constant secretion of sticky crap, and the way it tends to kill everything on sight. But then you add that little mouth in a mouth thing, and it goes into a whole new level of wrongness. Nuzzle that mouth against your ass, and your poopy hole is going to cringe so much you’ll rip yourself a new asshole. That is… unless the alien does it first.
#1 – Getting fisted by Wolverine
After the first X-Men movie came out, women everywhere collectively gushed and fawned over Hugh Jackman’s portrayal of Wolverine. My wife Jo wouldn’t stop talking about how much of a stud he was, and how he’s like the hunk of all time. So it wouldn’t be too surprising that pretty much every woman who has seen that movie, or even just glanced at the poster, would have harbored quite a few fantasies involving Wolverine. Well here’s something that’s going to burst your bubble: what if he suddenly displayed a kinky side, and wanted to fist you? Fisting itself sounds scary enough as it is, but don’t forget it’s Wolverine we’re talking about. Adamantium claws!!! The acidic taste of metal and that SNIKT! sound will be the last thing you’ll ever experience.
What about you guys? Can you think of some scary sex scenarios involving pop culture characters?