Monthly Archives: October 2010

Whatever happened to the Power Ballad?

Back in the 80s and 90s, power ballads were all the rage and you couldn’t listen to the radio without hearing them. Actually, it was already big during the 70s, but I wasn’t listening to music then due to a slight case of not being born yet. Anyway, Bon Jovi pretty much made a career doing it, and soon you had people holding up lighters at every other concert out there.

Power Ballads rock

So what happened to them? I mean, you don’t get stuff like that on the radio anymore. It’s all pop, punk, and hip hop. Admittedly, a lot of power ballads were very tacky and probably led to the genre’s downfall, but still it sure beats all the Justin Bieber and Kesha stuff that’s flooding the radio now.

Just to do my part to try to bring these power ballads back, I went onto the Bob forums to see which power ballads those guys liked, and made a playlist for you guys.

  • Skid Row – I remember you
  • Motley Crue – Home Sweet Home
  • Def Leppard – Two Steps Behind
  • Scorpions – Still Loving You
  • Whitesnake – Here I Go Again
  • Styx – Show Me The Way
  • Aerosmith – Dream On
  • Aerosmith – I don’t want to miss a thing
  • Guns and Roses – November Rain
  • Heart – Alone
  • REO Speedwagon – Can’t Fight This Feeling
  • Bad English – When I See You Smile
  • Roxette – Listen to your Heart
  • Roxette – Fading Like a Flower
  • Roxette – It must have been love
  • Poison – Every Rose has its Thorn
  • Journey – Faithfully
  • Eric Carmen – Make me lose Control

Okay, there are definitely a lot more greats out there, so if we’re missing something, drop a comment and tell us your favorite power ballads!

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Red shirt pwns Blizzard staff with obscure lore

A “red shirt” according to Star Trek conventions is a Security guy whose sole purpose for existence is to die, just so the main characters never get killed but are still surrounded by death and danger.

“Damn, Spock. Why do these guys keep dying on us?”

At the recent Blizzcon 2010, a red shirt was the one doing all the pwnage though! Check out this video of this fan asking a really tough question about some Warcraft lore and totally stumping the Blizzard guys.

A lot of the YouTube comments berate this guy for being a retard, but I say leave him alone! He might not be getting laid anytime soon, but he knows his shit!


Retro Goth Hottie: Elvira

I don’t think many of you will remember her, but there used to be this horror host who was really big in the 80s and 90s. When I say really big, I mean really big in more than than one way. The horror host was Elvira, and she was the Mistress of the Dark.

Elvira hosted this show called Elvira’s Movie Macabre, and it was basically a collection of cheesy B-grade horror flicks. What made it special was that Elvira would always rip into the movies with her campy humor and make fun of their bad editing and lousy plots – basically highlighting the “so bad it’s good” bits that people watch bad horror flicks for. She looked goth, but she spoke like a Valley Girl, and that contrast made her a winner.

There were two other big reasons why Elvira’s show was such a hit, and they’re as big as her head! Her show reportedly displayed more cleavage than had ever been seen before on LA television! And honestly, nobody’s complaining.

The success of her show led to talk show appearances, cameos in movies, two movies of her own, pinball machines, video games, VHS boxed sets… she was everywhere during those two decades. Then when the new millennium came, her popularity waned a bit, and well… Cassandra Peterson (the actress who plays Elvira, and looks completely different out of the costume) is like 59 years old now. Not many kids want to see their grandmother’s cleavage.

But apparently there might be some kinda resurrection now, as her show is being shown on TV all over again as of September this year. I didn’t hear about it, but there was even a show called The Search for the Next Elvira, which ran a couple of years ago.

So maybe the Mistress of the Dark will rise out of the shadows again, and marvel us with another incredible display of horror, wit, and cleavage. How can you go wrong with that combination?

Update: Since everyone obviously thinks she’s still freakin’ hot, I’ve added a few more pics. In case you’re wondering, one of the guys from Reddit has pointed out to me that Cassandra Peterson has indeed posed for Penthouse before. I’m not going to put those pics up here, but they’re only a Google search away if you’re interested. And why shouldn’t you be?!?


Top 5 Brawls

A while ago, I did my Top 5 favorite kungfu scenes, and some people were like: “what about Bruce Lee or Jet Li versus the Japanese dojo?” Well, I classified those as brawls, as in one guy versus a shitload of people, so I excluded them from the list. But now that I’m listing brawls, let’s put them in this list, ya?

Keanu Reeves vs about 100 Hugo Weavings

So without too much bullshit, let’s get to the brawls.

#5 – Tony Jaa’s spiral of death (The Protector)

The action in this scene is alright… but it’s just that: alright. It’s a bit too stop-start for my liking, and half the time the camera’s not showing you what’s going on. But the reason it makes this list is because it’s all in one fucking take. That’s a lotta continuous stunt work right there!

#4 – The Burly Brawl (The Matrix Reloaded)

This one’s a classic, because it’s Neo fighting an army of one – like 100 Smiths. You really don’t see something like this in any other movie. The problem with it is that it’s too CG reliant. I mean, it’s definitely CG reliant in that you need CG to generate so many Hugo Weavings, but at the same time too many stunts are so obviously CG that it kinda just dumbs it down a few notches for me. That, and it’s a bit too floaty for my liking.

#3 – Uma Thurman vs The Crazy 88s (Kill Bill)

This brawl is epic for so many reasons. Limbs get hacked off. Tarantino does his cinematography magic with some really visually stunning shots and set pieces. There are soooooo many of those yakuza guys. And the music is cool too. You just can’t go wrong with it, really!

#2 – Bruce Lee vs the Japanese dojo (The Chinese Connection)

Okay people are definitely going to protest this one going into second. But you know what? It just gets a little bit silly when the nunchucks come out. At that point, the fight just gets a bit too uneven. Besides, his kicks and punches were fast enough in the beginning… it really didn’t look like he needed to pull those bad boys out and started smacking heads with them.

#1 – Jet Li vs the Japanese dojo (Fist of Legend)

Why did I pick the remake over the original? Well, because it’s better choreographed with more awesome kicks and shit being thrown around. I’m not saying that Jet Li is faster than Bruce Lee, but more shit happens in this one than the original. Even the bad guys fight better, and there appears to be more of them here. So yeah, this one is just all kinds of awesome.


Bitch fight with yo-yos

When I was in the army, I was totally into yo-yos. It just so happened to coincide with a yo-yo resurgence at the time, I guess. I was also really into the whole Japanese schoolgirl thing at the time too, with those long fluffy socks and Sailor Moon skirts and shit. Never in my most drunk-fucked moments could I ever imagine those two concepts being combined into one crazy fetish, but I didn’t have to… someone else already did that.

It’s like Catwoman, but Asian, and armed with a red tie and yo-yo.

This is Yo-Yo Girl Cop. That title pretty much describes the movie, as much as Snakes on a Plane does. Apparently it’s based on some manga series that was created in the 70s, but I wouldn’t know that. I wouldn’t even know of this movie’s existence if I didn’t stumble across it while browsing around for random fight scenes. That’s right, A FIGHT SCENE.

Asian Rihanna with a yo-yo?

So what do we have here? It’s a young Asian chick in a skintight leather suit, with a fetish red tie and a fucking yo-yo. She’s some jail-bait rebellious delinquent, who’s fighting crime with a toy that not only acts as a weapon, but probably a bondage tool as well.

If that wasn’t kinky enough for you, she fights another Asian chick dressed in an outfit that’s either a hooker outfit or one of Rihanna’s costumes, also armed with a yo-yo. And this particular yo-yo comes with retractable razor blades. To top it off, she’s got serious bitch-face action going.

I mean, seriously… spank away right now!

What other warped fetish could you possibly need to grow some wood?

Well, I guess some of you are already desensitized to this stuff, with the amount of tentacle rapes you’ve seen in your time, so the Japanese film industry already has the answer for you:

A soft-core porno version of this movie, creatively entitled Yo-Yo Sexy Cop Girl. Check out the poster below (complete with upskirt), and then by all means, spank away.

Can’t get enough upskirt action, can you?


The only Glee post you’ll see on this blog

By now you’ll have realized that I really don’t like all that Glee stuff, and I probably dislike it more because my wife loves to play the Glee soundtracks on repeat whenever she’s in the car. Come to think of it, I’m the damned driver. Shouldn’t I get to pick the music?

Hands where I can see them!

Anyway, a few of the Glee cast members just appeared on the recent issue of GQ, and wow there’s quite an uproar over it. Because they’re supposed to be kids in high school, parents have taken offense to these clean cut singing and dancing non-Disney Mouseketeers appearing in highly sexy poses in panties and knee-length socks. Some people go as far as calling it “borderline pedophilia”.

Socks are awesome

And what happens when parents get into an uproar? Magazines sell more, and the pictures appear all over the Internet, much to the further displeasure of the parents. Well, just because these pictures are already appearing everywhere else on the Internet, shouldn’t stop them from appearing here too, right?

Pom poms are also awesome

Dianna Agron, the actress that plays the blonde cheerleader Quinn on the show has apologized to the public for these photos. But you know what I think? The only thing she should apologize for is the fact that she’s young and hot, and the uncomfortable parents that are complaining are not! Cos this sexy school girl shtick worked out in a major way for Britney Spears, and there’s no fucking reason why the Glee cast shouldn’t milk it too.

You remember that video, right? In case you don’t, check it out below, you pervert!

And now, because this is the photo you’ve been waiting for, here’s Lea Michelle looking extremely hot and licking a lollipop. Remember, both Lea and Dianna are 24, so you can spank away without feeling any guilt.

Your life would suck without seeing her suck on a lollipop


My pitch for the World of Warcraft movie

Jo and I watched The Last Samurai recently, and you know what? It just totally re-emphasized to me how not special Avatar‘s story was. Then again, I felt a similar sense of Deja vu after the first time I saw Last Samurai, because it was reminiscent of Dances With Wolves.

These three movies have a lot in common. They’ve all got a white guy who’s meant to study a “savage” native culture in order to slaughter or enslave them for the greater glory of the white man. In the second act, said white guy will end up living with the natives and he will eventually realize what a beautiful culture they have. In the third act, his white brethren return with their armies and he undoubtedly chooses to side with the natives.

Red Indians, Yellow Samurai, and Blue Aliens

But the story structure is not the only similarity these movies have; the native cultures always seem to be represented by a single color. Avatar had those blue aliens, The Last Samurai had yellow Japanese guys, and Dances with Wolves had Red Indians.

But has it stopped movie fans from repeatedly going to these movies? No! And with that in mind, I have my pitch for the World of Warcraft movie that has been in development since the game made a shitload of money.

Sam Worthington dances with orcs

We recycle that winning story formula, but this time the native color will be green! That’s right, the story will be about a white human warrior who ends up living with the orcs, and ends up learning all about their noble shamanistic ways from their warchief Thrall.

Geeks love blue chicks

When the racist human armies of Admiral Daelin Proudmoore arrive, the hero sides with Thrall and the orcs, and proceeds to fight and overcome the human armies in one epic CG action-fest! It’s like, Lord of the Rings epic… except with green orcs instead of the muddy orcs in Lord of the Rings.

It’ll probably be Sam Worthington too, because people love to cast him in movies these days.

And then at some point, he has sex with either a troll, a draenei or a night elf. Given the popularity of Avatar and Mass Effect, you can’t go wrong with fucking blue chicks. Maybe it’ll be a threesome with him and Jaina Proudmoore. That interspecies three-way triangle stuff worked okay in the Planet of the Apes movie, right?

Blizzard, give me a call anytime and I’ll gladly write this movie for you! Honestly, I work cheap!


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