My pitch for the World of Warcraft movie

Jo and I watched The Last Samurai recently, and you know what? It just totally re-emphasized to me how not special Avatar‘s story was. Then again, I felt a similar sense of Deja vu after the first time I saw Last Samurai, because it was reminiscent of Dances With Wolves.

These three movies have a lot in common. They’ve all got a white guy who’s meant to study a “savage” native culture in order to slaughter or enslave them for the greater glory of the white man. In the second act, said white guy will end up living with the natives and he will eventually realize what a beautiful culture they have. In the third act, his white brethren return with their armies and he undoubtedly chooses to side with the natives.

Red Indians, Yellow Samurai, and Blue Aliens

But the story structure is not the only similarity these movies have; the native cultures always seem to be represented by a single color. Avatar had those blue aliens, The Last Samurai had yellow Japanese guys, and Dances with Wolves had Red Indians.

But has it stopped movie fans from repeatedly going to these movies? No! And with that in mind, I have my pitch for the World of Warcraft movie that has been in development since the game made a shitload of money.

Sam Worthington dances with orcs

We recycle that winning story formula, but this time the native color will be green! That’s right, the story will be about a white human warrior who ends up living with the orcs, and ends up learning all about their noble shamanistic ways from their warchief Thrall.

Geeks love blue chicks

When the racist human armies of Admiral Daelin Proudmoore arrive, the hero sides with Thrall and the orcs, and proceeds to fight and overcome the human armies in one epic CG action-fest! It’s like, Lord of the Rings epic… except with green orcs instead of the muddy orcs in Lord of the Rings.

It’ll probably be Sam Worthington too, because people love to cast him in movies these days.

And then at some point, he has sex with either a troll, a draenei or a night elf. Given the popularity of Avatar and Mass Effect, you can’t go wrong with fucking blue chicks. Maybe it’ll be a threesome with him and Jaina Proudmoore. That interspecies three-way triangle stuff worked okay in the Planet of the Apes movie, right?

Blizzard, give me a call anytime and I’ll gladly write this movie for you! Honestly, I work cheap!

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About Drew

I love videogames, movies, my wife and my dog (in no particular order). View all posts by Drew

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