Review: Skyfall

Directed by: Sam Mendes
Written by: John Logan, Neal Purvis, and Robert Wade
Watch out for: Daniel Craig, Javier Bardem, a smoking hot Bérénice Marlohe

Pitch: Someone is trying to kill James Bond’s boss. But they’ll have to go through Bond first.

Aside from Bond himself, three things make a good Bond movie:

1. Grand action set pieces
2. A memorable villain
3. An insanely hot Bond girl

Going by these criteria, this could possibly be one of the best Bond movies ever and is a great tribute to everything that made the Bond franchise so popular!

Bam bam boom!

It starts with the action, and it delivers. To quote Gabrielle Union* from that cheerleader movie, this movie BRINGS IT! I don’t normally associate Sam Mendes (American Beauty, Revolutionary Road) as an action director, but this movie has tons of it, and it’s some of the best action you’ll ever see. I mean, seriously… the action starts from the first scene, and it just keeps exploding and exploding at breakneck pace, and every set piece feels different enough that you’ll never get tired of it.

The identity of Bond is so strong that you can always tell which flying body is his

And the best part? Bond always keeps his composure and suaveness, maintaining a strong sense of identity that sets it apart from other action blockbuster movies.

Characters with character

The Daniel Craig Bonds do a lot to make the protagonist more than just a walking penis with a martini and a gun. This movie continues that trend, with a lot of screen time spent dealing with the relationship between Bond and M, which humanizes the character. I can’t really go into that without giving away too much, so let’s just leave it at I like that, and I’d like to see more of this humanizing element in the next movie.

This guy is even crazier than Mr Blonde from Reservoir Dogs

As the new Bond villain, Javier Bardem looks a little bit ridiculous with his blonde hair, but once you hear his introductory monologue, you’ll know that this is not someone to mess with. To give the character that extra dimension, Bardem mixed up the menace with some funny quirks that gives the character a lot of charm and screen presence… though that powerful rage is always hiding just under the surface.

A pet peeve of mine is a villain that is evil for the sake of being evil. Nothing bores me more than that, and that’s why I really enjoyed Bardem’s character. And his motives are so plausible, I almost rooted for him. But as sympathetic as he is, I never stopped fearing him… and that makes a great villain.

Whoa, mama!

Now if Naomie Harris was the sole Bond girl of Skyfall, the film’s rating would take a massive sack. She’s pretty and all, but mostly she’s annoying and quite pointless.

But Bérénice Marlohe as Severine… DAYUM! Not since Monica Belluci in The Matrix Revolutions has an actress heated up a movie like this. And it’s more than just the amazing boobs and cleavage too; they’ve got her rocking a barely-there dress, her smoky eyes are just captivating, and basically she’s hot.

It really doesn’t matter that her character is quite inconsequential. She’s just ridiculously hot, like an Olga Kurylenko with bigger boobs.

Shame about the story

But just when you thought this would be a perfect 5-star movie, there are some problems with it that I can’t quite overlook, and they deal mainly with the film’s story.

Firstly is the theme that Bond, M, and their era of field agents are made obsolete by technology and cyber-villains, but of course, Bond shows them that some British grit and a smack in the face can still get things done that no computers can. It’s a really nice idea, and it plays up quite well with many nods to the nostalgic Bond of yesteryear (especially since this film celebrates the 50th anniversary of Bond).

The problem with this “brute action vs cyber-smarts” theme is that it’s already been done in Die Hard 4.0, except instead of an American cop in a white tank top and a Beretta 92, we’ve got a British spy in a suit and a Walther PPK. That said, Skyfall is still a much more enjoyable movie with much better action and more thrilling sequences.

Aren’t they sick of reusing the prison they used to lock up Magneto and Loki?

Another area where the plot falters is that it jumps around without ever looking back. You don’t notice at the time because the action is so engrossing, but on hindsight there are a lot of plot holes scattered throughout the story. Some characters come in and disappear quickly, and entire plots are MacGuffins just to set up the final act. Actually, it feels like a bunch of different ideas cut and pasted together sometimes.

There’s a recurring theme with her outfits… can you guess what it is?

Speaking of that last act, it just really lets the movie down. The film distinctly kicks into a lower gear at this point, and the pace slows down to really pad the film’s running time up to its epic 2 1/2 hours.

It’s like everyone’s run out of juice by now, and it transitions from a Die Hard 4.0-esque movie to a Home Alone movie… except this time Home Alone did it better. I guess the action just doesn’t match up to the standards set by the first two acts, although the emotional resolution is a good pay-off.

I’m ripping into the story quite a bit, but what it does do well is add a surprising amount of warmth and humor. The audience in my screening laughed a lot more than I thought they should’ve, but it was definitely a fun time with many quirky moments and exchanges between Bond and his pals.

Last words

The long running time and spotty story could be experience-killers in another movie, but here they’re just blemishes in an otherwise perfect movie. It’s kinda like those close-up shots of Bérénice Marlohe. You can see that the makeup is definitely hiding some pores (thanks, HD technology!) but when you take a look at the big picture, it really doesn’t detract from the plainly obvious fact that she’s INSANELY HOT.

And so is this movie! So go watch it.

*Come to think of it, they should’ve gotten Gabrielle Union to play Naomie Harris’ part.

Random movie trivia you probably already knew

Everyone loves trivia, so let’s have ourselves a trivia post. You probably already know these ones, but let’s just give them a shot anyway.

• The film Mars Attacks is about aliens from Mars who attack Earth.
• Harold and Kumar go to White Castle has a title that spoils the ending.
• In 1582, William Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway – but not the same Anne Hathaway who starred in The Dark Knight Rises, because she was born a few hundred years later.

This is not the Anne Hathaway that Shakespeare married in 1582.

• Ben Affleck and Casey Affleck are brothers. Brody Jenner and Adam Brody are not.
• Despite having the number 2 in the title, Cradle 2 the Grave is not actually a sequel.
• Adam Sandler’s classic film Billy Madison coincidentally has a character named Billy Madison.

• In the movie Alien, there is only one alien. In the sequel Aliens, there are more of them.
• Bill Paxton is the only actor to have the distinction of being killed by an Alien (Aliens), a Terminator (Terminator 1), and a Predator (Predator 2).
• Mark Wahlberg is the only actor to have the distinction of starring in Shooter, The Big Hit, and the Good Vibrations music video.

• Titanic was based on the true story of a really large ship that sank.
• Despite the persistent rumors, Sean Connery was not actually born old.
• The main creature in the 1998 Godzilla remake is entirely made of CGI, whereas the main character in the recent James Bond movies is played by a guy in a suit.

James Bond is played by a guy in a suit

5 Scariest Sex Scenarios

Geeks normally have sexual fantasies about comic book superheroes and movie characters, and mostly those fantasies sound pretty awesome. But the reality of sex with comic book superheroes and movie characters will probably be just like sex with regular people: you’re going to be disappointed, and in some extreme ways, pretty grossed out too. The shy librarian who suddenly whips out the strap-ons and chains is one thing, but these five scenarios are even scarier.

#5 – Any sex with Sandman

Having sex on the beach has always had a romantic vibe due to the ambiance and all, but really it’s going to be incredibly uncomfortable due to all the sand that gets everywhere. Not only is it uncomfortable, but it’ll lead to some painful chafing. When it comes to sex with the Sandman, it’ll be like that every single time. It doesn’t matter if he penetrates you, or if you penetrate him, be prepared for some sandpaper chafing.

Two words: Sand burn

#4 -Getting a blowjob from Jaws

Now I’ve never been with a girl with braces before, but I can somewhat imagine that it could be pretty scary during intimate encounters. Now if you ramp that up with the iconic henchman from the James Bond movies, then it’s going to be beyond scary. This guy’s trademark teeth can bite through steel, and he often kills his victims by ripping a chunk out of their neck. Do you really want those teeth near your sensitive parts?

Brace yourself

#3 – Double penetrated by the Gravemind

In the Halo games, the Gravemind is the super huge alien intelligence seemingly made up of rotting corpses with a huge mouth like that Venus Flytrap from Little Shop of Horrors. On top of that, it’s also got a whole bunch of naughty tentacles, no doubt inspired by Japanese pop culture. And you know what naughty tentacles do in Japanese pop culture… It’s not very pretty at all.

Master Chief and the Arbiter must be so glad they're not in a Japanese videogame

#2 – Ass-to-mouth with the alien

There’s a whole lot of wrongness with the alien as it is: the acid for blood, the constant secretion of sticky crap, and the way it tends to kill everything on sight. But then you add that little mouth in a mouth thing, and it goes into a whole new level of wrongness. Nuzzle that mouth against your ass, and your poopy hole is going to cringe so much you’ll rip yourself a new asshole. That is… unless the alien does it first.

A whole new meaning to the phrase "rip you a new asshole"

#1 – Getting fisted by Wolverine

After the first X-Men movie came out, women everywhere collectively gushed and fawned over Hugh Jackman’s portrayal of Wolverine. My wife Jo wouldn’t stop talking about how much of a stud he was, and how he’s like the hunk of all time. So it wouldn’t be too surprising that pretty much every woman who has seen that movie, or even just glanced at the poster, would have harbored quite a few fantasies involving Wolverine. Well here’s something that’s going to burst your bubble: what if he suddenly displayed a kinky side, and wanted to fist you? Fisting itself sounds scary enough as it is, but don’t forget it’s Wolverine we’re talking about. Adamantium claws!!! The acidic taste of metal and that SNIKT! sound will be the last thing you’ll ever experience.

You really want to stick those where the sun doesn't shine?

What about you guys? Can you think of some scary sex scenarios involving pop culture characters?